Coldplay Sucks. Hammer pants rule.
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URL: http://www.professorpaddle.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=7819
Printed Date: 03 Jul 2025 at 12:53am
Topic: Coldplay Sucks. Hammer pants rule.
Posted By: shrek
Subject: Coldplay Sucks. Hammer pants rule.
Date Posted: 03 Feb 2009 at 3:11pm
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From Craiglist, Enjoy:
NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12900 (Ronan / Lake County ) Reply to: mailto:sale-945361858@craigslist.org - sale-945361858@craigslist.org [ http://www.craigslist.org/about/help/replying_to_posts - ? ] Date: 2008-12-04, 5:15PM MST OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly. It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop. This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is). No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once. It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man. My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore. There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo. Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash. To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants. Rock on. mailto:depoconnor@gmail.com - depoconnor@gmail.com |
Replies:
Posted By: Jeff
Date Posted: 03 Feb 2009 at 8:12pm
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If my Manly job as a welder paid me enough to drive such a kick ass rig, I would buy it, but alas, The Man is keepin' me down. It sounds like one badasssss rig though. For now I'm stuck with my puny little toyota (even though it has a manly 300,000+ miles on it)
BTW, when Chuck Norris does push ups, he's not pushing up, he's pushing the world down!  ------------- "What could possibly go wrong?" www.flickr.com/photos/jeffdwyer/ |
Posted By: SupaSta
Date Posted: 03 Feb 2009 at 8:32pm
That is the manliest add I've ever seen!!  Got to give the man props for creativity. Dan ------------- Life is short, paddle hard! |
Posted By: BRoss
Date Posted: 03 Feb 2009 at 9:21pm
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the first aid kit is freekin hilarious
------------- "That boated a lot better than it looked." "It always does until it doesn't." |
Posted By: 14kayaking2
Date Posted: 09 Feb 2009 at 7:59pm
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I need a first aid kit like that... Sadly though I must say that an Xterra is not really a very manly car. At least in my opinion... Though I would like to be able to wash out my truck with a hose... Just remember, an SUV stands for Small Underdeveloped Vehicle. Basically they are the mini-van/soccer mom vehicle of the decade. That being said.... There are two bad-ass vehicles out there that really kill it....however they have become the yuppie vehicle of the mountains. Toyota trucks, and Subaru Foresters/wagons. I am a proud owner of the former. ------------- "We are only boaters between swims" Matty |
Posted By: water wacko
Date Posted: 10 Feb 2009 at 9:12am
I wish my former lucrative career as THE Chuck Norris stunt double paid enough to purchase that manly rig. Unfortunately, Chuck isn't making movies anymore.  ------------- "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive." ~Howard Thurman |
Posted By: justin
Date Posted: 10 Feb 2009 at 3:43pm
| I like Xterras except for the rack. It's definately more style than substance. |
Posted By: Wiggins
Date Posted: 10 Feb 2009 at 5:21pm
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I should buy it just for the Hammer Pants. The pair that came with my 05 Xterra were ruined when some old hippie bled on them during his beating at my last marijuana raid.
Kyle ------------- I smell bacon |